FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
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I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
#oldknees
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.