Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
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Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!