The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
You Might Also Like
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
moms in horror movies
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.