Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.