*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
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There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.