tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
You Might Also Like
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Solving a traffic jam
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
This squirrel eats better than I do
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”