A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
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Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill