Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
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Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Anyone want a chair?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced: