Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
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Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle