“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
You Might Also Like
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I feel seen
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Cndnsd Mlk
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine