yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
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You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Sticker placement is key.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..