date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
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I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Animal poetry
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”