I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
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cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.