I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
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Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.