Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality