When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Worth remembering.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.