I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
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How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.