[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
You Might Also Like
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Trying
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.