everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
The happy life.. 😊
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.