Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
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ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole