When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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when you don’t want to be too vague
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Pizza is an emotion right?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Wait a second…
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*