There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
the greatest twitter interaction
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.