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Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
the icebreaker
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
According to math, I’m broke
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!