Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
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There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
socratic questions
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now