find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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why I oughta
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
when you are just born a rebel
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.