People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Usage Guidelines
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs