As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
You Might Also Like
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.