[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
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I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Last-minute gift idea!
They’re stuck in your pants?
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.