If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
You Might Also Like
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.