when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
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some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
He a real one for that
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Okay me first
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.