*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
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[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*