Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Monica just destroyed the internet
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered