I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You Might Also Like
the composer
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie