Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …