midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
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I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no