I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
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My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Okay me first
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…