finally
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Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m not wrong
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Dammit Chief not again
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.