this was the best i’ve ever seen
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Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together