The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
You Might Also Like
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
buying dead houseplants to save time
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.