Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.