Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Yup!
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My favorite farside!!
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Good advice.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea