DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.