Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
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*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.