At least my masseuse has my back.
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Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
All is fair in drunk and war.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.