My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
mumsnet is amazing
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Sheep
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien