kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
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Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.