“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
doing some research
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
That time Alicia messaged me
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.