Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
You Might Also Like
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”