What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me, in DM rooms…
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.