I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
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Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Oh the world we live in…
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
#winning
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
as is their right